No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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