Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
