Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
