I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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