Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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