probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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