never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's great music for shaving your balls
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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