my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
no you cant smoke seaweed
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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