I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
