I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
