Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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