i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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