Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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