whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
