i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
