My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
