He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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