He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
