saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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