You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
