Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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