Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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