I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
