I can text with my tongue
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
