Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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