I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
