you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
