the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
