Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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