I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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