i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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