I think my vagina is haunted
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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