he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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