I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
