Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
