sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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