you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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