my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
