Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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