im drinking this country out of the recession.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
