I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
