Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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