Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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