You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
