I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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