Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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