my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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