what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
