I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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