I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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