Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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