I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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