He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize