I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
