I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
