I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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