My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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