i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My vagina is very pro this idea
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